Akane no Abazureonna
by Joe Fenton
Summary: If you like Akane, don't read this story! You have been warned! The Saotomes arrive at the Tendos. Time to pick a fiancée. Good thing Soun has more than one daughter.


A Ranma 1/2 alternate universe parody. A PG-13 rating for language and situations.

This story and a few others can be found on my web page at  
  
jlfenton65@yahoo.com  
  
Ranma 1/2 is a trademark of Viz Communications, Inc. and was created by Rumiko Takahashi.  
This story is of my own derivation and is not intended for commercial purposes, so please don't sue me.

Author's Notes: If you love Akane unconditionally and loath stories that portray Akane as less than saintly, _don't continue reading_! You have been warned.  


Akane no Abazureonna

Chapter 1: Beating - Er - Meeting You

by Joe Fenton

Soun looked at the postcard in his hand.

_Returning from China. Bringing Ranma.  
Saotome._

"Oh, how I've waited for this day!" Tears ran down his cheeks as he went to get his girls.

He stopped at the kitchen where his oldest was slicing some watermelon. "Kasumi! When you have a moment, I have something to tell you."

Kasumi smiled. "I'll be right with you, father."

Soun ascended the stairs to his middle daughter's room. "Nabiki? Can you come down? I have something that needs to be addressed."

Nabiki flipped her comic book closed. "Okay, Daddy."

Downstairs, Soun ran into his youngest, just back from jogging.

She looked at him curiously. "What's up, Dad?"

Soun turned pale. "N - n - nothing, Sweety. You just finish your workout." He tried to make his smile seem heartfelt.

Akane frowned. "Nothing, huh? You wouldn't be trying to pull something, would you?"

Soun back-pedaled, waving his hands. "N - no! Of course not!"

Akane sat at the table and smiled. "Good! Then you won't mind if I sit in on this meeting."

Soun fretted as he waited for Kasumi and Nabiki. The girls paused when they noticed Akane seated at the table. They finally sat at the table opposite their younger sister.

Soun opened and closed his mouth a few times, trying to find a way to put it that wouldn't get him killed.

Akane smashed a fist down on the table. "_WELL_?!"

Soun squeaked, then rushed through it. "_Myoldfriendandtrainingpartneriscomingtostayforawhile - ohandhissonRanmawillbewithhimthey'vebeenonatrainingtripandoneofyougirlswillbehisfiancée_!"

The girls were silent as they tried to decipher their father's words. Kasumi and Nabiki paled and edged further away from their sister as they finally dissected the statement.

Akane's eyes widened and her face contorted. A battle aura started to form around her.

Everyone jumped as they heard the front gate open.

Kasumi, Nabiki, and Soun leapt to their feet. "_I'd better see who it is_!" As one, they rushed to the front door... and just as quickly came running back. Just behind them was a giant panda carrying a kicking person over its shoulder.

They ground to halt as they faced Akane. In the face of the youngest Tendo's ire, the three turned to confront the panda.

The panda dumped a small figure in front of it.

Soun pointed to the girl. "Y - you wouldn't happen to be..."

The girl looked down self-consciously. "I'm Ranma Saotome. Sorry about this."

Kasumi and Nabiki sighed in relief. "Oh, thank God!"

Soun was torn between relief that his youngest girl wouldn't kill him, and despair that the schools wouldn't be joined.

While Soun was frozen in indecision, Akane stood and approached. She looked over the smaller girl and smiled.

"Hi! I'm Akane. Would you like to be friends?"

The smaller girl looked up and smiled hesitantly. She nodded.

Akane jerked her head toward the side doors. "We've got a dojo. I understand you've been on a training trip; would you like to spar?"

Ranma looked puzzled as the others behind the girl shook their heads, waved their arms, and mouthed "no." They all instantly stopped and tried to act innocent as Akane whipped her head around.

Ranma shrugged. "Sure."

They moved out the side doors and over to the dojo.

Akane took an aggressive stance. "Don't worry. I'll go easy on you." She charged in with a wicked punch.

Ranma dodge the punch easily - and the follow-up kick - and the punch that followed that.

Akane frowned. "What are you doing? Fight me for real!" She increased her speed and tightened the moves, but was still unable to connect.

Ranma finally leapt over Akane and tapped her on the back of the head to signify victory.

Akane looked shocked, then started to chuckle.

Ranma rubbed the back of her head, embarrassed, and chuckled as well. Her chuckling tapered off as Akane's chuckles grew into loud laughs, and then into hysterical cackles.

Akane whipped out her mallet and pounded the girl flat. "HOW DARE YOU BEAT ME!! YOU #%@ %#&@ *%&#%@ %#@$#%& BITCH!! YOU'RE JUST $%#&*$@ LUCKY YOU'RE A #@^*$@& GIRL!!" She brandished her mallet over the girl. "You don't _even_ want to know what I'd have done if you were a &#%^@%* boy!"

She stomped out of the dojo as Ranma pried herself up off the floor.

Ranma sighed. As she reentered the house, her father waved her over.

"Ah! Ranma! Here he is, Soun!" He poured some water from the kettle over his son, reverting the cursed boy back to his original form. "See? He really is a boy! Now the schools can be joined!"

Soun started to whimper and backed away as a voice came from behind Ranma and his father.

"She's a boy?! HE'S A $&% @#%^ ^&%^#$!*^ BOY?!" Akane was livid at the deception.

Genma laughed. "Well, boy. She's got spunk! I'm sure you two will be happy together!"

Soun tried to get his friend's attention. "Saotome, I don't think..."

Ranma broke in. "If you think I'm gonna marry her, you're nuts!"

Akane went absolutely cold. "Oh? And what's wrong with me?"

Ranma turned to face the girl. "Well, nothing - other than you swear worse than Pop, you got all the grace of a gorilla, and the face to match!"

The Tendos broke into a run for the door as Akane grabbed the table.

Ranma had turned slightly as he waved a hand vaguely in Akane's direction. "Hell, I got more of a figure than you when I'm a _guy_, much less when..."

****

Ranma gradually regained consciousness. He had a splitting headache. His groans caught the attention of the two girls in the room.

Kasumi changed the cold compress on Ranma's head as Nabiki moved to get a better look.

"Real smooth there Saotome." Nabiki smirked. "You certainly have a way with words."

Kasumi frowned at her sister, then turned back to Ranma. "I suggest you don't antagonize Akane. She - gets in these moods..." She trailed off.

Nabiki frowned. "If you're feeling better, you might want to get ready for school."

Ranma would have sat up, but his head hurt too bad. "_What_?! But the spring term doesn't start for another week!"

Nabiki sighed. "That was three weeks ago."

Kasumi gave Ranma a stern look. "You _really_ don't want to antagonize Akane."

Ranma eventually made his way downstairs. He scowled at his father.

Soun looked up from his paper and burst into tears. "My future son-in-law is all right!"

Ranma opened his mouth, then shut it and looked around for Akane. Assured the girl wasn't anywhere nearby, he spoke his mind. "I ain't marrying that psychotic lunatic!"

Soun nodded. "Of course not. After all, we want you to live long enough to give the school an heir. So you are now engaged to Nabiki." He resumed reading the paper.

Ranma scowled some more, then sat down for breakfast. "Do I _have_ to go to school?"

Genma nodded. "As long as we're staying here, you will attend school with your fiancée... and Akane. You've already missed a couple weeks."

Ranma grumbled under his breath but didn't feel like pressing the issue due to his throbbing skull. He scooted around the table as Akane came down for breakfast. The girl glared at him, but sat down to eat.

Nabiki stood and grabbed her bag. "Come on, Ranma."

Ranma complained. "But I haven't finished breakfast!"

Nabiki shrugged. "Well, if you'd rather have Akane show you where the school is..."

Ranma was over by her in a flash. "Let's go!"

Genma tossed a bookbag at him.

****

Ranma stood near the doors of the school. Nabiki had left him to make his own way to the office to get his class assignment. He decided he needed some air before locating his homeroom. His position gave him a fine view of the morning festivities.

There was a stirring of the crowd in the courtyard as a familiar voice was heard nearing the school.

"I hate boys. I hate boys! I HATE BOYS!! _I HATE BOYS_!!"

A hurricane swept in through the school gates. Boys scrambled left and right, then fell as Akane methodically worked her way through the crowd. Ranma winced at the punishment she was dishing out. More than one was left writhing in agony; the lucky ones were knocked unconscious. Soon, Akane was the only one standing.

Ranma knew he should leave well enough alone, but he just _had_ to know. He moved over closer, staying just out of range if the girl should happen to lunge at him. "What's the deal?" He hooked a thumb at the boys scattered around the courtyard. "They challenge you for a date or something?"

Akane gave him an irritated look. "Of course not!" She shrugged. "I just hate boys."

Ranma sweated and slowly edged away. That was when things got _really_ strange.

An older boy jumped from behind a tree. He was dressed in tight leather shorts, a mask, and carried a riding crop. "Ah! My Black Mistress of Cruelty once more seeks to demonstrate her infinite love through the physical ministration of pain. Come, my love! Give me your fierce embrace!"

With a cry of outrage, Akane laid into the boy with a vengeance.

Ranma thought that things couldn't get worse - then he heard the boy cry out, even as Akane worked him over.

"Yes! Yes! Arrrgh! Such lovely pain! Such exquisite ecstasy!"

Ranma turned and lost his breakfast in the bushes.

****

Ranma kept looking at Akane out of the corner of his eye as they stood in the hall holding buckets.

Akane eventually noticed. "_Well_?! Are you going to ask, or do I have to _beat_ it out of you?!"

Ranma took a step sideways. "_No_! There's no need for that! I just wanted to know what the deal was with that last guy - the one in the leather."

Akane looked introspective. It was such a novel look that Ranma was caught by surprise. Akane looked almost cute... _almost_ being the operative phrase.

"That's upperclassman Kuno. I have mixed feelings on the whole thing. On one hand, I like to beat him." She tilted her head a little. "On the other hand, Kuno _likes_ to be beaten. Kind of takes all the fun out of it."

Okay - there went the _almost_.

****

Kuno, now in a proper boy's uniform, made his way over to his desk near Nabiki. "Tendo-san. I would like to enquire as to the identity of the one conversing with my Black Mistress this morning."

Nabiki gave him a glare. "That's Ranma Saotome, my fiancé."

Kuno nodded once. "Might he be staying at your residence?"

Nabiki hesitated, then nodded. "He might, but you needn't worry, Kuno. He and Akane don't get along. Akane has probably spent more than half the time she's been around Ranma beating on him."

Kuno lunged to his feet. "_WHAT_?!?!"

The teacher sighed. "Kuno. Buckets. Outside."

****

"Ranma Saotome!"

Ranma looked over at the shout and sighed. The idiot in the leather was back.

"How _dare_ you try to steal the punishment that is rightfully mine! The ministrations of my Black Mistress are only for one such as myself!"

Ranma ducked under the lash of Kuno's riding crop. "If you wanna fight, let's take it outside!" He ran for a window and jumped out.

Kuno followed right on his heels. "You'll not escape me, blackguard!"

Akane ran to the window, a look of delight on her face. The delight changed to disappointment. "Damn! The pool's just below these windows!"

Ranma felt the change as he landed in the pool. Now a red-headed girl, she swam for the side of the pool. Kuno grabbed her from behind, a hand mauling her chest. Grabbing Kuno, she launched herself from the pool, slammed Kuno to the ground, and leapt the boundary wall.

Kuno gradually worked it all out in his head. 'That was a girl... I was grabbing her in a most ungentlemanly manner... _that's it_!'

Kuno ran after the girl. "Come out my little water-sprite! I must be punished for my unseemly actions!"

****

Ranma sat on the tree branch, wringing out her pants. "Sheesh! I can't believe what a pervert that guy is!"

"Ranma!" Akane stood beneath her. "I won't tolerate you fighting with Kuno! If you beat him up, I'll have to find someone else to work out my frustrations on!"

Ranma's pigtail stood straight out. She smiled nicely. "W - w - whatever you want." Her smile dropped as she muttered under her breath. "Better the fruitcake than me..."

By this time, Kuno had located the pair.

"My lovely water-sprite! You still need to punish me for laying hands on your person!"

Ranma stuttered as Akane smoldered. "Uh - uh - what about Akane?"

Kuno turned to Akane. "Yes! My Black Mistress! Punish me for being unfaithful!"

Akane needed no further prompting.

Ranma waited for the torture to end, then leapt down. She looked rather green. "Doesn't that freak you out? That he enjoys it so much?"

Akane looked thoughtful. "Yes, it's quite disturbing." She glanced at Ranma. "_You_ don't like it, do you?"

Ranma glared at her. "Of course not!"

Akane smiled beatifically. "Good!" She pulled out her mallet.

****

Ranma woke up in the school infirmary. Her groaning notified the school nurse that she was once more conscious.

The nurse looked the girl over, giving her a sympathetic look. "Why don't you just head on home, Deary?"

Ranma shook her head. "I've already missed enough school. I better get back to class."

The nursed sweated. "Uh, school was over _hours_ ago."

_End Chapter 1_

More Author's notes: Yeah, I know. I should be beaten like a red-headed step-child for this one. Sorry, but I just had to do it, but don't expect me to work on this very often. I tend to be more pro-Akane. I'm not hung up on her, so I decided to make this just to appease some of the more rabid anti-Akane-ites out there. It's a parody of all the really anti-Akane stories you'll run into. Believe it or not, there are some stories that aren't parodies where Akane is almost this bad. Oh well. Back to my other stories. 


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